Dear Rabby,
A couple I know have a daughter of sixteen who is pregnant. They came to me to discuss it, so we sat together and they spoke. They described the situation, and the man was asking me, “Why do bad things happen to good people?” and I thought he meant his daughter. After longer discussion, I finally understood him to mean by that statement (and others) that he meant his wife and him! In fact, the entire situation seems to center upon what troubles and difficulties, and what harm it does to them, the daughter barely figuring in their crisis! I became irritated over their attitude and though I tried to hide it, I said a few things I shouldn’t have. I later saw the man again, and he had his daughter with him, and the girl seemed so spaced-out and emotionally blank that I’m very worried about what will happen if the girl wakes up to what’s happening to her. I see these people routinely because of my business, and it’s possible they may want to meet with me again. Do you have any suggestions about what I could do or say in regards to helping them, specifically what might be good to suggest for the girl? They are secular Jews, although they do attend Temple sporadically.

Dear Counselor,
You first must understand that it is not very likely that you will be able to do or say anything to get this couple to wake up and smell the cow manure. But one suggestion is this. You might start by asking them if they have adopted an attitude toward their daughter that will be beneficial, or if they have continued with an attitude which will only make for pain on all parts. The parents are looking out for their own reputation, and in the process they are destroying their reputation. You might ask them if they would appreciate having others see them in the light that they see their daughter. If they say, “Well, if we did something so stupid as she has done, we deserve it,” then you might say, “That is what you ARE doing.” “Well, what do you mean?” “Girls get pregnant out of wedlock all of the time. Parents show how ugly they can be to such daughters all of the time. But parents who demonstrate a truly selfless attitude, helping such a daughter learn responsibility while refusing to attempt to make her feel like running away, and who speak well to their daughter, while holding her to do what is best for her child-such parents are rare.” The point is this: if you care about the daughter, you will risk your relationship with the parents; but it can be worth the risk.

A Taxing Husband
Dear Rabby,
My husband died about a year ago, and while clearing up legal matters about the estate and property ownership, I discovered that he had been falsifying our tax returns, and had hid some of our money in checking accounts I didn’t even know about. Since then, I seem to find out something new every other month about some secret financial deal or property ownership he never mentioned to me. I’m facing a huge back-tax bill if I contact the I.R.S. about all of this, but what’s really hurt me is that I thought this man was such a good Christian all the twenty years of our marriage, but now I cannot think about him without being revolted about his lies and secrets. I half-expect to find out he’s had a mistress, or something else as crazy. Our sons are both out of the house, and I haven’t revealed any of this to them yet, but I wonder how long I can keep this from them, because I feel like my feelings about their father is written all over my face whenever I speak with them about it. They miss him, but they’ve both become hesitant to talk to me about it, and I’m afraid all of this, if left unsaid, will drive a wedge between me and them - but if I do tell them, it might do the same thing. What can I do?

Dear Taxed,
First, come clean with the IRS. If you can afford an honest lawyer to help straighten out the trash, do so. If not, at least, come clean with the IRS. They understand such things, and will be kind, IF YOU COME VOLUNTARILY. If you do not, they will remove the roots from your hair once they find out: and find out, they will. You don’t have to give the IRS your name, while you discuss over the telephone your problem. They will give you the proper action. In regard to the problem of your view of your sons’ view of you, don’t editorialize to them. Lay out to them what you found and what you have seen. What is the problem of them knowing the truth? Will it hurt their memory of him? Too bad! It is better for them to arrive at a conclusion that the man is evil, and determine not to do the same evil because of the damage they see being done to you, than to make them think that he was a good man, and risk them doing the same thing. It often happens that sons do as their fathers have done WITHOUT KNOWING THAT THEIR FATHERS DID THE SAME THINGS. So show them. And if they anger at you, tell them that you won’t show them if they don’t want to know the truth, but you will do what is right regardless. If the truth drives a wedge, it is better than a lie being the glue. Just remember not to editorialize.

Review your understanding of what is a strong Christian. Being wrong for 20 years should give you a clue that maybe you don’t know how to tell who is and who is not invested in his faith. If that is the case, neither would your sons know. This may become a topic of conversation with them. Find out from the Tenakh (your “Old Testament”) what the characteristics of the Saints were, and learn them well.
(Reprinted from Icebreaker no.23)

To read more DEAR RABBY:
From March 15, 2005
From Icebreaker #15