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DEAR RABBY: TOUGH ANSWERS TO TOUGH QUESTIONS
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Dear Rabby,

This morning in the newspaper I found out the Pastor of the church I've been going to was picked up by the police for buying drugs from an undercover officer. I have already talked to some of the other members of the church, and they are saying we may have to fire him, but we must also forgive him. I'm so angry I can say, "I forgive you" but I do not feel like I mean it. I feel really confused and I'm not even sure I can be angry, but I can't but feel angry all the same!

Dear What's your Shem,

Oy Vey! A Mishuganah! A Swine in shepherd's clothing! This thing is not kosher. This calls for sackcloth and ashes. What's this? Did you not check to see if your pastor knew and followed the Torah of Moshe Rabenu? It's your falt for not checking!—I mean, it's all your falts, not just you alone. Goyim! They don't look! They are as bad about this as Reform Jews choosing a Rabbi for their Temple! Oy vey! A drug-taking preacher! A high priest!

OK. According to the Torah, if there are two or more witnesses, one who is into sorcery is to be stoned to death. I know that many do not realize that fooling with drugs is sorcery. But it is! If the drugs are not for proper medicinal purposes, it is sorcery, as sure as Rivkah is the mother of Yaakov. Now, I know that the Goyim do not allow for stoning, and they don't even seem to care when their children get stoned! What a world! And you are speaking of forgiveness? You all don't know whether he needs to be fired? Look, Shemalah, if he is found guilty, have nothing ever to do with him again in any way, and curse his memory! He has blighted the Name of the Almighty, Blessed be He! His offense is against the Holy One, Blessed be He. You cannot forgive unless you are in the place of HaShem. And if you do not feel angry, you are sick in the keppala! And next time, do the world a favor. Get a man who fears HaShem, loves the Torah, who has a good wife and a bunch of kids, and who has a good reputation by everyone. Make sure he is an elder, and check out his Tzitzit to make sure it is well-used. Oy...oy...another Nabal... another King Saul...

Dear Rabby,

My husband recently found out that he is Jewish, and he has gone crazy buying books and other Jewish religious things. At first I was really glad because it made him the most interested in spiritual things than he has been in years, but now I am feeling left behind. It is really straining my nerves. Last week he insisted we not do anything that might be work on Friday evening and Saturday, which is the day I clean house. There's no time on Sunday because of church and I work all week. I feel like God is making my life unbearable. I was happier being married to an average Gentile man.

Dear Unbearable,

Convert. You need a new faith. Have you thought about becoming a Seventh-Day-Absentist? And I have some addresses for your husband. He needs to support some good Jewish Charities. There's no Mitzvah in buying things for himself. Actually, though, Unbearable (I'll call you “UB" for short), your husband needs to learn some things about the Torah. You see, it is fine and right that he not work on Shabbat, and that you also not work on Shabbat. That's what the Torah says to Israel! But then, he needs to show that he is convinced by picking up what you cannot do, so that Shabbat will not be a burden to you! According to the Torah, one's ox and one's ass is not to work on Shabbat. Now tell me, UB, do you think that a Righteous Jew would therefore work the animals much harder on the other days to make up for lost time? Eh? HaShem promised Israel that if he kept Shabbat, there would be plenty! It would be as if he had worked seven days, in other words! Now, would your husband treat an ox or an ass better than you? Tell him to sleep with them! Say, give me his telephone number. I'll tell it to him in Yiddish! He needs to take up the work which you cannot do, and do it for you! And if he can't tell him to hire a Goy to help you! And the Goy is not to work on Shabbat, either! Shabbat is to be a joy and rejoicing. Give me his telephone. I'll tell that mean and cruel husband of yours a thing or two!

Too Physical

Dear Rabby,

There's a girl I have been dating for a while now who I think I am really in love with. But recently we have begun to become very physical and neither of us can seem to stop. If one starts, the other gives in. Sometimes I think there is something really wrong with me, other times I think it is her. Either way we need to do something, but we don't want to just break it off. I just don't feel like we are Christians anymore.

Dear Physical,

I think you are right. You might try a new religion. Have you considered Ashterot? She will fit your beliefs quite well! If the Canaanites had tried a new religion before their cup got full, they might have averted the penalty from the Almighty. If your faith doesn't work, abandon it. Try one that is tried and proven, like the Torah. Consider Yosheph, may his memory be blessed. He had quite the opposite problem from you. He couldn't do evil and sin against God. His faith worked. If you want a whore, hire one. Give your girlfriend $10 each time yoo "give in." Be sure to include tax, and remind her, in love, to declare it under "tips" on her income tax for next year. Let her know how much you love her. Maybe she will reconsider and fear the God of Avraham, Yitzkhak, and Yaakov after this insult, and will have the sense to drop a weakling Canaanite like you! One who fears HaShem turns from evil. From what you describe, I suspect that neither one of you has any true faith, so sin on! But at least be nice and pay the woman.

Dear Rabby,

There is a person in my town who is always talking to my friends about me behind my back. I wouldn't let it bother me except it's my mother! What she tells people—about my appearance, who I am seeing, what is wrong with me—are sometimes outright lies or exaggerations. I get nowhere talking to her about it, because she thinks she is just trying to help me. If I hurt her feelings, which is very easy, she stops for awhile, but it always starts up again. I'm going to end up hating her if something doesn't change.

Dear Daughter of Gossip,

The Torah commands to glorify one's parents: that is, to consider parents important. That, of course, is no license to tolerate evil. But your problem is not your mother. You have put your finger on the wrong evil-doer. Your problem is that your "friends" are not friends at all. They are the ones who tell you what your mother said, instead of addressing your mother on her perverted attitude toward you! It doesn't really matter what your mother says about you; if your friends would keep their mouths shut to you, and would address your mother, you would not suffer. They are the gossips; they are the ones condemned for carrying tales of evil! And if they refused to carry this swine's-droppings, your mother would have to talk straight to you. You would be wise, then, to address your "friends" about the Rah (destruction) which they are doing. Do they want to help you hate your mother, and thus violate Torah? Do they claim to feel pain for what she says, while actually causing you pain, and being entertained by your dilemma? Do they feel superior for their "mitzvah?" It would be better to have no friends, then friends who tempt you to violate the Torah! Get your justice in the right direction! You can always address your mother according to what she actually says to you. Get some justice! Read the Holy Writings!

Chronic Liar

Dear Rabby,

My wife has always seemed like a Christian to me; she works in our church, she is kind-hearted, and she and I have always got along real well. However, she is a constant liar about the most trivial things! If I ask her where something is in the house, she'll make up something rather than admit she simply just doesn't know. Anymore it has made me have feelings of disgust, and although she says that she knows she needs to stop, she doesn't. I don't know if I can live with this problem for very much longer.

Dear Disgusted,

Face facts first! If your wife is a Christian, Buddha was a Baptist. A mouse works in a church too, and that doesn't make little vermin Christians. How can a liar be kind-hearted? It sounds to me like you have the problem, more than your Goy-wife. You commend a liar as being kind-hearted? You say that she and you "got along real wel'"? Obviously, you don't have the faith even that you claim that she has! According to the Jewish wise man Yokhanan, all liars will be outside of the Kingdom of God! And why should this woman not lie? You reward the behaviour by doing nothing! That is what the Israelis did with the Canaanites! Rather than dealing with them, they lived with them in "peace and harmony"! I would much rather deal with a pagan like your wife than one like you who tolerates such evil, and even labels it as a Messianic faith! That is sick! Sick! SICK!

As for what you could do, the first thing is for you to change faiths. You need one that has a standard: one that does not tolerate evil. And start with yourself, not with your dear liar-wife. Until you refuse to tolerate evil within yourself, such as having such a low view of the Holy God as to think that He would consider liars as Messianic, forget about the problem of your wife. Then, later, after you have a true Biblical standard, and are living according to that standard, write me about the new set of problems that you encounter, and I will tell you what to do. (Goyim! So religious! So ignorant! Why do they have to be as in error as secular Jews? Is there some kind of competition for knowing nothing? It makes me want to tear out my hair and put on sackcloth and ashes; and I am bald and alergic to sackcloth!)

Boring Preacher

Dear Rabby,

I really enjoy the pastor at my church. I meet him for lunch frequently, so I know he is very busy, visiting local hospitals, going to see the sick in our church, and he is always willing to help anyone he learns of who has a need. The problem is that he is the most boring speaker I have ever heard in my life! He seems to only to talk about experiences he has had in his life, rarely do we study anything from the Bible. He is a nice man, but could he really not be Preacher material?

Dear Bored,

First, I want to know, are you male or female? If you are female, what are you doing meeting this pastor for lunch? Are you planning an affair or something? If you are male, OK (but in this perverted world, I still don't know, do I!).

So, your pastor talks about his own experiences. So, he is self-centered. So, there is not enough Torah material for him to cover that, eh? Oy. He would make a good Reform-Rabbi. A Reform-Rabbi doesn't talk much about the text either, except maybe to weaken it. He would also make a good Unitarian; that is a Reform Goy. My question is, is your pastor a fearer of HaShem? If he is not, not only is he not preaching material, but he is not Messianic Kingdom material. King Messiah would slaughter such. If he is as you describe, he is putting ones to sleep, and thus aiding them in going to Azazel! But there is another side to this. It is because of ones like you that such men get to that position of leadership! You call him "nice." There is a bar tender who talks more serious religion, and he has a better wine than your priest. You say this nice Goy goes to visit the sick. That is touching. It is good when an expert in bowling goes to treat the wounded on the battlefield, claiming to be a doctor! One who is sick needs a real physician! And what does this man do? If his preaching is not in the depths of the Tanakh, you can be sure that he has nothing to say to those who are sick or dying! And you call him nice! You have a problem! Have you read the Jewish Scriptures? Does your candy-coated-self-centered priest sound like anyone in the Scriptures whom HaShem commended? Read! Before you write me about your pastor, tell me what the texts say! I will advise you only after you show some seriousness! I don't have time for ones who want me to fix someone else when they need fixing more! Get off the bacon, man! Get on some manna!

(Reprinted from Icebreaker #15)

To read more DEAR RABBY:
From March 15, 2005
From Icebreaker #23