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DEAR RABBY: TOUGH ANSWERS TO TOUGH QUESTIONS
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Question:
I work in an office with a half-dozen other female administrative assistants. One of the ladies is a lesbian and she and I have gotten along well on our projects that we must do as part of our job. Lately though she has been revealing more and more to me about her personal life, mainly because she was able to identify that she and I had similar childhoods and upbringings, that is a background of abusive parents and relatives. I also know that she had a relationship for several years with one lady in a different department of our company, then kicked her out for cheating on her, and then she took up with another woman who she also ended up kicking out. She said that this made her realize that women are just as bad as men and now she is going to just stay all alone. My question is what is the best way to deal with her because I sense she is going to continue trying to develop a friendship with me. I am married and have been clear with her that despite our similar backgrounds I have not gone the same way as she has trying to resolve things from the past. She attends a church that has no problem with her lifestyle choices, whereas the one I attend certainly does (Baptist). I do not feel threatened by her attention, but at the same time I am not sure what is the best way to direct her since I feel she is wanting some friendly guidance in trying to make a life for herself that doesn't include intimate relationships with any gender. To me it sounds a little crazy. She would probably go to my church a few times if I asked her to "try it," but I do not think she would take anything offered there seriously. It's like she wants to try to find some "third way" and I just don't think there is one.

Answer:
Oy Gevalt. My Grandmother of blessed memory wouldn't like this. She would say, "Get a life, darling!" and to the other woman, "Get a husband!" Then she would say, "I know a young man who is a perfect match!"

Vell, some shiksahs are very good workers, almost as good as Jewish women. (The Egyptians preferred Jewish women as workers to the shiksahs!) So, you were mistreated in your childhood. Did you tell the Rabbi? He would have threatened to keep your parents from Passover if they didn't treat you well! Oh well, at least you can know how the shiksah felt in her childhood because of your experience. But I am still angry about your parents. Vat kind of Jewish Goyeem were they to mistreat you? Are they still alive? Let me speak to them! If they are dead, let me speak to them! I have contacts in Sheol! And who were these relatives, besides your parents, who didn't step in?

So, she had a relationship with another shiksah, I assume, in another department. Then she did what? She kicked her out for cheating on her? Oy vey, contact the NAACP or the IRS! Who's cheatin' who? Then she did what? She took up vit another shiksah? Then she kicked her out? These shiksot need to learn that this is no way to gain social security! And from dis, she learned that women are just as bad as men? Couldn't she have read the Torah to see that? So, now she is going to stay alone. Vell, at least she won't be kicking out any other shiksot for a while.

So, you vant to know the best way to deal with her? She is trying to develop a friendship with you? Tell me, do you want to keep your job? If you do, only talk over the telephone about her personal life! And make sure your husband comes on the line once in a while! I am glad you didn't go her way, or to her native country. I have heard about women from the Island of Lesbos, and that they didn't like men, including rabbis.

You say she attends a church? Oy. How the Goyeem come up with their religions I don't know. They call these lifestyle choices? A woman plays the role of a man? Don't they know that men have a hard enough time playing men? Women are ill-equipped!

I know about the Baptist churches. They normally have the big letter Tov on top of a pointy roof, don't they? And they have a mikveh behind the choir! I never could figure dat out. There's no privacy! So, your Baptist church doesn't like certain lifestyle choices? I don't think they like the Orthodox Jewish lifestyle, either. They like to eat Traifah!

You say you do not feel threatened by her attention. Vell, talk to the other two women, and ask them if they felt threatened!

You vant to know how to direct her? She vants friendly guidance to make a life that doesn't include intimate relationships with any gender? I know an opening in a kosher butcher shop. No, that won't work; a woman can't work there. She could work with cattle or horses. But then, she might form a relationship with a horse, and it has a gender. At least, most of the horses I knew had a gender. One horse used to have a gender. I know; she needs to work at a kosher junkyard! There, she won't have to worry about any intimate relationships with any gender! No, that won't work. Most things in the junkyard won't work.

Ok. I have an idea. If she really wants to avoid all intimate relationships (oy, that sounds so sad), she needs to wear a wedding ring, and a necklace that says, "I'm a virgin by choice!" I don't think anyone will bother her regarding relationships. Of course, she could become a nun (what am I saying?). Or better, she should convert to Judaism, then become a shatkhan! No matchmaker ever has intimate relationships, because they are always too busy finding one for others!

You say you could ask her to your church, but she wouldn't take anything offered there? See, I was right! Some churches really do sacrifices! I knew it! And they blame the Jews for using blood in Matzahs!

You say that she wants to find a third way, and you don't know of one? Well, I do, and I don't recommend it! I knew once of a Jewish girl, G-d forbid, who became a Goya man! That was a third way! She may be looking!

I recommend that you read her a Torah portion each time you can, and see if she has any interest in the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. Tell her Lot found a third way, and that was to hit the road!

Question:
I'm kind of dating this girl who I have been friends with since high school. She is 25 and I am 25, and we've been friends who call each other every few months. Sometimes I am in our hometown but most of the time I am away in the Army. Suddenly I saw how good of friends we were and also I was getting jealous whenever she would tell me about going out on a date with some guy. I would NOT tell her I am jealous, only I knew I felt that way. I would tell her to have a good time and be careful. Then a couple of months ago she told me that all the time I have known her she has been sick with going out into crowds where there are a lot of people. It makes her physically sick and she would go on a date and try to appear like she is normal, but go to the bathroom and vomit. She works in her father's home office and I guess that's the only way she can make a living without have to be sick everyday all the time. For a year now she is going to a therapist and she thinks she is getting better at being able to see reasons for her condition. But I also found out that the reason she never got serious with anyone she ever dated is because she felt she was "broken" and would not do anyone any good. I am drawn more and more to her and want her to get over this thing. At the same time it's like she is telling me that she knows she is not good enough for me (or anyone) and that's how things are going to be, maybe forever. I have not come right out and said, "I don't care if you are like this," and also that I don't care if it takes twenty years to get over it. But that is how I feel and the only thing keeping me being more assertive is that I don't want to interfere in her therapy! I am being patient but it is hard to do!

You say you are kind-of dating this girl? Smell de roses! Why didn't you marry her a long time ago? Are you waiting until you are so old that folks will be asking to see how you designed your tombstone? Is she a shiksah? Are you a sheketz? What's the matter, do you hate kids?

You say you are kind-of dating her, and you call every few months? Did you think that Messiah has returned, and you are going to live for a thousand years? Is your name Methuselah?

You say you are in the army. Which army? Who is your commanding officer? I will tell him how you are treating this girl! You say you suddenly saw how good friends you were? Are many in your unit of the army like you? Is the country in trouble?

So, you finally decide to get jealous when she goes out on a date! Who is your rabbi? Who is your psychiatrist? You tell her to have a good time? Are you her father? (No, if you were, you wouldn't tell her to have a good time; you would tell her how worried you are about her, and how he had better keep his hands in his pockets, and is he a good Jewish boy, and who is his rabbi, and how his heart is weak, so hurry back early, like by 8:30.) Just what do you mean by "be careful"? I also watch the advertisements!

So, she gets sick in crowds. (Tell her to come to my Schul on a regular Shabbat; she will have no trouble.) She vomits? Tell her to eat kosher! No one vomits kosher food. That isn't kosher!

She works in her father's home office. She sounds like a nice girl.

She has been going to a therapist for a year, and only now sees reasons for her condition? What does he charge? Let me at him! Is he Jewish? I'll tell his rabbi! He took a year to tell her the reasons? He can't be Jewish. Every Jewish therapist I know would have told her the reasons for her condition within the first minute of their speaking! My wife would have told her the reasons for her condition! My wife would have told me the reason for her condition, and would have given me a condition if I didn't fix her condition right away! And she would have had you married already! She doesn't need a crowd; she needs a big Jewish wedding!

Oy, she feels broken. She feels she couldn't do anyone any good. I know the perfect remedy. You need to marry her right away in a good Jewish ceremony. Make it very small—not more than 250 guests. Then start having children, one at a time. She won't notice the crowd as you have one a year for the next 25 years! It will fix everything! (Ow! Woman, don't you hit me! What do you mean, what kind of advice is that? I am the rabbi, not y—OW! What do you mean, that is cruelty? You loved having children, didn't you? OW! Woman, I am the man! Ok! I won't advise her that way. You say that six is enough. Ok. That is not a very large crowd.)

So, you want her to get over this thing. What thing? Just tell her she has to marry you. Tell her that you are no crowd, and that she was designed to be a helper to a man, and that you are the man. Tell her you need help. Tell her that her dead great grandmother appeared to you, and swore that she would bring a crowd of spirits into her dreams if she doesn't marry you right away. Tell her that the evil eye cannot see two at a time. And if that doesn't work, tell her the truth: that you love her, and that you are thinking about getting a girlfriend! That will fix her!

Now, listen carefully to me (my wife). Don't you even think of saying, "I don't care if you are like this." My wife... uh, I mean, I say, because she will think you mean that you don't care that she is suffering her condition! And don't speak about it taking twenty years! Think how many little children you could have running around under feet in twenty years! Oy!

Now, you have confused me. You said that you don't want to interfere in her therapy, and that you are being patient. Who is the patient, you or her? Are you both being looked at by this Goy who takes a year to tell you that you have a problem?

Tell this girl that you want a son, and she is keeping you from that! Tell her how much you look forward to his bar mitzvah! Tell her that if she doesn ‘t marry you within the next month, (OW! Woman, quit hitting me!) uh, within the next three months, that you will bring the rabbi over to see her, and that he has many relatives who will all come to tell her that she has a problem! Tell her you will move with her to a desert island that only has one Schul!

To read more DEAR RABBY:
From Icebreaker #15
From Icebreaker #23