Beloved! Faithful followers! Shrimp and shellfish lovers everywhere! Greetings!

That's right, your favorite Fisher O' Men is back at the helm! And ready to win souls to faith, and to make way the paths of riotous... I mean righteous living! And seafood eating!

What's that you say, "seafood?" Yes, seafood! Beloved, it's time to face up to facts and realize that nothing packs them in like a good seafood place, and as we are commanded to bring the dizzying wonders of faith to the lost and hungry, what better avenue than through our new ingenious building program! That's right, a seafood restaurant at your favorite mega-church, the First Free Love Tabernacle of Love in beautiful Hogsqualor, Arkansas!

Now, I know you're pondering how this unique vision of love, shrimp and reaching out to the poor (but not too poor) in spirit came about.

Well, first of all, you must not have read my new book The Purpose Driven Wife. ($29.95 retail at fine book stores and flea markets everywhere! Also available on 8-track audio tapes and MP3 downloads!) This terrific tome of sure-fire spiritual tips challenges all of the old assumptions that have kept down the faithful and robbed them of their place at the seafood platter of glory!

It all began, beloved, while I was preaching and ministering in Rio de Janeiro, which as you may have heard, has many fine beaches and casinos... I mean more beaches. I had just dropped five C-notes on the tables... I mean into the cups of the poor and needy beggars in the slums where I was planning on preaching someday. Going outside and completely by accident wandering in a drunken haze through several back alleys, I was unable to find my way back to the hotel that was hosting the ecumenical convention I was there to attend. To make matters worse, I was soon roughed up by two passing men who were disguised as police officers! They asked to see some identification, and outraged by this assault on my American civil liberties, I took several wild swings at them with my clenched fist!

Brothers and Sisters, violence is never the answer, even in a noble cause like mine to protect the flag, justice and the American way. I awoke hours later in a jail. Using my one phone call to contact my esteemed legal advisor and attorney bar-none Abrahams Splodinbaum, I was soon released and found myself on the way to a miracle!

Let me explain: wanting to get away from the jailhouse quickly, I mean, wanting to calm my nerves and to take in a few private moments of rejuvenating prayer, I grabbed the first mode of transportation that presented itself. A boat ride! I thought a little seacoast cruise with an open bar might cheer me up and nourish my soul. And what better place to be a fisher of men than on a boat?

Buying a ticket on a splendid craft called the Gold Digger, I was astounded to learn the bar was closed that there was a wonderful display of sea life for viewing right off the bow of the ship. Actually, I was sea-sick and was leaning over the bow when I spotted a school of dolphins splashing and playing in the waves. Now, all the creatures of faith and glory are to be admired and appreciated, but seeing those porpoises spinning in the waters like roulette wheels made me ill and I passed out!

You see, beloved, this is how faith works, you never know what amazing turn of fate will happen next! One minute you're hanging over the side of a tipsy-turvy boat, the next you wake up staring into a display of anointed jewelry... I mean eyes!

Her name, I soon learned, was Janet Extrawealthy. She was a philanthropist of renown throughout the world, and her semester of pre-med at Columbia University, - - well, okay, not a whole semester but I think she read the brochure for the classes - - prompted me to jump back to health quickly! Not only that, but this lady and all her jewelry were touring Rio scouting for new opportunities to help the deserving needy! Obviously faith had brought us together. Immediately I took the opportunity to preach the word to her, and the word was: fish! For example this verse:

Psalm 105:29 "He turned their waters into blood, and slew their fish."

Now, beloved, the only way to understand holy scripture is to be bold enough to read it with humility, humbleness and modesty, which is the way I do things. Right off the bat, we just look at the words and we see the word "fish," which is important. Now, fish can be deep-fried, or oven-baked, or even eaten raw, which is Sushi. Keeping that it mind, we looked at some of the other verses there hanging around Psalm 105:29:

Psalm 105:30 "Their land brought forth frogs in abundance, in the chambers of their kings."

Now, any fool can flip open a dictionary, lexicon or concordance and say "this is about the Hebrews getting out of Egypt." But the liberal way of interpreting scripture means to apply it first to ourselves FIRST. Now, it's obvious that this verse is about US. See how clear it all becomes now - - this is about fried frog legs that are fit for a king! And doesn't faith want all of it's children to live like Kings and Queens?

Now, some of you close-minded traditional literalists are going to protest and say "No, no, brother Nilly! This is about how God showed that he is all the Gods there are, more so than all the gods they had in Egypt!"

Oh, come off it! Are you saying faith needs God to be the God of everything, always hogging all the limelight! And lime on fish is really a good start, as is some lemon and hush-puppies and ... See, you can't get your mind from going back to the REAL meaning of that verse, can you!

Janet understood these pearls of wisdom immediately, and as soon as my divorce goes through to Wanda Goodlysum (turns out our covenant wasn't as strong as it needed to be, as her stock portfolio collapsed recently) I will be wedding Janet, and she will join me in our mission to spread the good news about the high protein, low-fat, fish-first diet. Grab the tartar sauce!

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Since 1989 Willy Nilly Ministries has helped people all over this world and the next to use positive prayer, affirmation and principles of Universal truth to find answers! Now is the time to manifest the prosperous and abundant living you deserve.

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