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AN INTERVIEW WITH DR. REV. WILLY NILLY!
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Introduction
He's been around Icebreaker from the beginning. Like fleas, or a cold, or a hangnail, he just won't go completely away! Presented here is an interview with that self-esteemed shepherd of second-rate swindles, the Dr. Reverend Willy Nilly...
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ICE: Reverend, I was looking over your new book Helping Yourself to Help Yourself. It looks like it’s got everything, from cures for the holiday blues, to tips on buying holiday blues records. Looks like sure-fire hit. Please tell our readers why you wrote this book?

WILLY: As you know, I travel the world, scalping thousands... ahem, I mean, helping thousands if not millions of people each year, providing counseling, inspirational messages, and of course the loving attention everybody needs. But it’s getting harder to personally meet with all of the lovely people who need my personal care, so I decided to write this important resource book. You know, book publishing is a lucrative racket... ahem, I mean a wonderful medium for reaching out and touching people where they need to be touched.

ICE: I noticed that the price tag on this book is seventy-seven dollars and seventy-seven cents. Why is that?

WILLY: It sounds steep, doesn’t it? See, I can admit it’s high, right? I’m a regular guy, I know how much stuff costs, you don’t have to tell me that’s a lot of money! You know, they say important evangelists like me are just setting on stacks of money, and they don’t know what to do with it. Believe me, I know the value of a dollar! Just driving over to your office in my new Rolls Royce cost about twenty-bucks, that’s a lot of moola, fella!

ICE: Why did you choose the unusual price of $77.77 for this new book?

WILLY: Because my last book cost $37.77, and I wanted this one to be more holy.

ICE: So... with this higher price it means this new book is basically twice as holy, give or take a few bucks.

WILLY: What, a few bucks? You mean $77.77 isn’t exactly twice the price of my other book?

ICE: Nope.

WILLY: Oh... Well, seven is a holy number right? It’s anointed, right? So four sevens together is four-times as holy, and four-times as anointed! It’s better than I originally thought!

ICE: It’s quad-holy, I guess.

WILLY: Huh?

ICE: What we at Icebreaker would like to know is how is it different from your last book, Find Faith on Ten Calories or Less?

WILLY: Well, this new book doesn’t have any of my anointed cooking recipes in it, for one. Another is that I have grown so much in knowledge and in grace since the last book, that my new and improved insights are sure to rebuild lifes and to save marriages, bring the lost to Faith, find runaway teenagers, dogs or cats, and to re-establish religion as the cornerstone of our society.

ICE: It sounds like the answer to everything, if everything was asking questions...

WILLY: That's because it is the answer to everything! And if people will buy enough copies and pray hard enough, and buy more copies, maybe it will lead to a breakthrough on a cure for the terrible medical ailments haunting our land, like two-left feet, kleptomania, or even hangovers. But it's gonna take faith. And more copies.

ICE: Our readers would like to know about that recent divorce hearing in which...

WILLY: (Ahem) Well, really, I am not at liberty to discuss details about that.

ICE: Well, Reverend, could you speak out on divorce at all?

WILLY: Divorce is eroding our society! It’s a shame upon the entire nation! I mean, really! They cost so much! Have you ever talked with a divorce lawyer? Believe me, I've talked to plenty, and these guys even bill you for the toilet paper in the wash room!

ICE: But why does divorce cost so much?

WILLY: Because it’s worth it!

ICE: I understand you have been recently rehabilitated for alcoholism.

WILLY: Oh! That! It was never really a problem. You know how some people can talk.

ICE: So, you mean you’re not drinking these days?

WILLY: Oh, only for medicinal purposes.

ICE: Are you under a lot of pressure?

WILLY: Have you met my new wife? You wouldn’t believe how she can spend money. She came home last night from the mall with so much stuff, man, I just said to her, “Let's save time, buy the mall and move in there!”

ICE: Oh.

WILLY: You know what she said? “Can we do something like that?”

ICE: Can you?

WILLY: I don’t know. I guess I could check it out...

ICE: I wonder how much a mall would go for...

WILLY: A bunch. But, you know, if I had a mall, I could preach in it everyday. A lot of people go to malls, don’t they? They all have got money to blow or they wouldn’t be there, right?

ICE: I guess.

WILLY: Now that’s a really anointed idea! I gotta call some real estate agents! Thanks for the interview, pal. Tell your readers, and all your friends, buy my new book! Keep the faith! Glory! See 'ya 'round!

ICE: Mister Reverend Nilly — he’s gone.

Epilogue

Those responsible for this interview are being taken outside to be horse-whipped, provided we can find a horse.